Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize