I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
