you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
