I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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