$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
