Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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