Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
