There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
