Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
