I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
