The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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