I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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