Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
