Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
