i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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