you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
