I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
