Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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