I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
