I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
