Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
