So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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