I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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