So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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