I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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