So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
