i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
