No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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