My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
