I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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