Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
