Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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