i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
