am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
