it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
