I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
