I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
