I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
