That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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