i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
