he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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