I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
