there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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