Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
