Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
