i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
