If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
