I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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