Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
