She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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