Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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