You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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