Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
