shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
