I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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