if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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