everyone is single if you try hard enough
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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