walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
