i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
