I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
