I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
