i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize