The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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