we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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