We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize