The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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