mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
