Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
